27 October 2011

Kardashian Rake

Hi Sears,

Thanks for the new rake.  No, really.

This new rake is even nicer than the one I bought from you a long time ago  (Craftsman...lifetime warranty...etc.).   I used the old one quite a bit and eventually the wooden handle wore out.  I like the new fiberglass handle.

Sears, you probably don't remember me.  I used to frequent your store fairly often.  But your competitors are so nimble and they give me what I want...

Remember that time I bought a dishwasher from you?  I opened one of your credit cards to make the purchase, because this saved me some money.  Wow, did you ever make me pay for that, huh?  You called....and called....and called...trying to get me to sign up for financial services and every other scheme under the sun.  I didn't get a peaceful night at home for at least a week and a half.

Anyways, that was all years ago, and despite you treating me pretty poorly, I've continued to buy some items at your store.  I mostly buy tools, but sometimes I buy some clothes there too.  Clearly my sense of fashion is...simple.

When my old rake broke, I thought to myself "gosh, it seems a little bit unfair to return this rake".  I mean, let's be honest, I did abuse the hell out of this thing for more than a decade.  In the whole scheme of things, it seemed fair to just buy a new rake.

However, at the same time that my rake broke, what did I hear on the radio?  "Sears signs a big deal with the Kardashian family".  Huh?

Isn't this the family who is most famous because of "Kim", who seems to be some vapid woman whose only real accomplishment in life is creating a sex tape?  I'm certainly no prude, but I happen to think that a woman like Kim Kardashian is a horrible example for young women everywhere.  By endorsing people like the Kardashians, Sears seems to be suggesting to young women everywhere "don't make anything out of yourself -- don't go to school -- don't try to be a productive member of society -- just make a sex tape and you'll be all set".

The icing on the cake is that Sears seems to refer to their deal with this family of nitwits as the "Kardashian Kollection".  I guess Sears figures that if you've gone this far down the road to unseemliness, proper spelling is the least of their worries.

So, anyways, the way I figure it, if Sears can send millions of dollars to the Kardashian clan, then they can give me a new rake. too.

Thanks for the new rake, Sears!  Don't worry -- when it breaks, I'll be back!


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